GutterandGrace's Xanga

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:22:43 GMT

I sit and stare again. Why does it have to be this way? Such little things I get joy from, mostly colors. I'm not even allowed that. If there is a hell, I must be somewhere in it. I've got a little bit left, like one bit of silver glitter left before a shower the next day. How can I go from so happy to where I am? I'm stuck here, no way out for a while. Please make it okay forever, I can't do it much longer. The shadows and voice are back. The brilliantly claret voice. I don't want to listen, but something in the crimson wonders compels me to. Soon, everything will be in that sanguine haze.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 18:26:59 GMT

Lately, things just don't seem to work well in almost anything. Thank god for Allen. I'm actually able to not cry at least once an hour because of him. I think something has been happening for a few years... Since January 2004, at least. It scares me. I'm not quite sure what is going on anymore. Oh well, just got to try and breath, which is difficult when you have a bad cold, and get through each day. This is just isn't right.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 13:13:26 GMT

I kicked my ex out of my life, way too harshly. I left him a comment saying I'm sorry for how it was done, once again I mess up, and that maybe someday I won't have these days I'm as bitter as a bottle of vinegar. Its more than a little difficult since things ended so badly with us. He claimed to try to want to be friends, but I don't think that quite works. Most people can't do that. I'm seventeen, he is eighteen, always thinking he knows more. I know this, I couldn't have a relationship so long as I had that memory haunting me. I had to go through a very similar conversation to the one that broke us up last night that made me realize it. I thought I had forgiven him, but it just boiled up stronger than I remember during that conversation. I had to admit I was jealous. Only this time, it didn't end a realtionship and I'm going to work on it. Hard to do when you never leave your house. I always make fun of my cousin for being strictly home schooled her whole life because her parents don't want her knowing whats out there, but I'm the more pathetic case. I isolated myself because I didn't want to know what was out there, figuring that no one was worth my time since they all disappoint me in the end. I am trying now, trying to actually realize there are good people out there. Anyone want to attempt to become a friend of this bitter seventeen year old with social skills of an eighty-seven year old life long hermit?

Keith Urban Songs For The One I Love

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 00:42:31 GMT

These Are The Days

My grandma was a wise old soul
Took me by the hand not long ago
Said, 'Son, what's your hurry, boy slow it down
Taste the wild honey, listen to the sound
Of the wind that's blowin' through the trees
Rivers flowin' to the sea

Yeah they're all headin' home just like you and me
Life's for livin' child, can't you see?'

These are the days we will remember
These are the times that won't come again
The highest of flames become an ember
And you gotta live 'em while you can

These are the days we will remember
These are the days we will remember
These are the days we will remember
These are the days we will remember

So take 'em by the hand, they're yours and mine
Take 'em by the hand and live your life
Take 'em by the hand don't let 'em all fly by
C'mon, C'mon now

Ooo days go by
Yeah, just like a hand out the window wavin' in the wind as the cars go by
Days go by

You're My Better Half

Car door slams, it's been a long day at work
I'm out on the freeway and I'm wondering if it's all worth
The price that I pay, sometimes it doesn't seem fair
I pull into the drive and you're standing there
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

They say behind every man is a good woman
But I think that's a lie
'Cause when it comes to you I'd rather have you by my side
You don't know how much I count on you to help me
When I've given everything I got and I just feel like giving in
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and you hold me tight

Well, you take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and I understand

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything
Oh baby, it's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything

'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

Oh, oh baby you're my better half
Ooh, hey baby you're my better half

Better Life

Friday night and the moon is high,
I'm wide awake just watchin' you sleep
And I promise you you're gonna have,
More than just the things that you need
We ain't got much now, we're just starting out
But I know somehow paradise is coming.

Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, so hold on, we're headed for a better life.

Oh now theres a place for you and me,
Where we can dream as big as the sky.
I know its hard to see it now,
But baby someday we're gonna fly,
This road we're on, you know it might be long,
But my faith is strong, its all that really matters.

Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, so hold on, we're headed for a better life.

So hold on, hold on, c'mon baby, hold on,
Yeah we're gonna have it all, and ooh

Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, so hold on, we're headed for a better life.

Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby,
You and I are gonna be the ones, so hold on, we're headed for a better life.

A better life now, oh ho, a better life
Hey we're gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see.
We're headed for a better life, you and me.
We're gonna break the chains that bind and, finally we'll be free.
We're gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me.
Just hold on tight now baby, woooh

I Wanna Be Your Everything

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I’ve never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
And I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
Be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'd cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'd be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 23:56:38 GMT

Well after sleeping some, and talking to the person I love most, I realize I can do this. I got my little moment of peace, and I'm ready to keep doing this all. I know its a lot, but I can do this. I promised myself that i would give the world to someone, and the world is what I'll give them. Its all okay, one day at a time. I know I'll mess up, everyone will, but I'll work hard to fix the mistakes I make, and maybe some of them will turn into the right thing when I don't expect it. Thats how my life turned out like this, and I've got to say, I've got a pretty good life. I love someone with all of my heart, I'm graduating this year, I'm going to start working towards the rest of my life, and someone loves me. The last one is the most important to me. I'd trade everything for him. He is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm doing alright. Sure I have my bad days, and he has his, but we are always there for each other. I've never felt anything like that before. Time to wake up from my old dream, life is starting. And I've got a new one to work for starting now.

I love you Allen. Forever.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 09:32:10 GMT

I don't know what to do anymore. Just let everything fade away for a little while. Can I do this? I really wonder. My heart keeps telling me I can, but my head keeps telling me its all going to fall apart again. I'm not known for listening to my heart all that often. I can't stop crying. I just want my life to be okay for a moment, to not have to worry what is wrong, what can i do, what makes it all mess up. Childish and stupid and selfish of me. So I stay, so lonely and lost and scared. Just a moment, please. Just let me have my moment to breathe. I pray, make me strong enough to do this. Make me strong enough to do this. Make me grow up. Just give me my one moment, please. This is what I said I would do. Make me strong enough to love, to live, to breathe, to help. Give me the strength to just get through another day. I beg of whoever listens to these, help. I'm almost so far gone, I can't come back.

I know it has been forever

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 05:35:49 GMT

My world just keeps spinning and I don't have time to post anything...

Big news:I'm engaged.
Other News: New internet service, new phone, taking ACT again, 3 a's 3 b's, I saw my ever absent best friend, shocked my old theater teacher, and I can't do a ton of junk for lent.
Fun, fun, fun. Over all, my life is amazing right now.

I love you, Allen.
Also, the song I'm listening to is completely awesome. I can't find the lyrics, but if you ever get a chance to, listen to it.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 00:52:50 GMT

Someone shoot me. Or at least get me out of here. My grandmother is in town. Enough said.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 17:56:15 GMT

Since I obsessively put these things on my myspace thing, I figured I'd put one here.

1. How well do you think you know me?
2. Do you think I'm attractive?
3. Do you hate me, like me, love me, or none of the above?
4. How long have we known each other?
5. What is my favorite color?
6. Do you know where I live?
7. Have you ever been to my house?
8. Have you ever spent the night?
9. When is my birthday?
10. Do I have any siblings, what are their names?
11. Do I wear contacts?
12. Do I tell you a lot of my business?
13. Have you ever told me you loved me?
14. Have you ever hugged me?
15. What color eyes do I have?
16. Are you taller than me?
17. Do you want to get to know me better?
18. Have you ever gotten mad at me?
19. Have you ever gotten annoyed with me?
20. Have I ever done something mean to you?
21. Would you die for me?
22. What would you do if I moved out of the country?
23. What would be your last words if you could never see me again?
24. What would you do to help me if I was in a state of depression?
25. Am I good at school?
26. What hobbies do I have?
27. Are we friends?
28. What word do you think of when you think of me?
29. Could you have your eyes closed and still know that it's me?
30. What would you do if I ditched you?
31. What is my favorite song?
32. What is my favorite band?
33. Do you know who I like?
34. Am I skinny or fat?
35. Do you find me cool?
36. Am I easy to talk to?
37. What do I want to be when I'm older?
38. Can I usually make you happy?
39. How much do you love me?
40. What song reminds u of me?
41. If you could rename me...what would my name be? and why?
42. Have you ever had a dream of me?
43. If you could GIVE me anything...what would it be?
44. If you could ASK me one last thing wat would it be?
45. If you could TELL me one last thing wat would it be?
46. Describe me in 3 words. (Or less)
47. On a scale of 1-10, what would u rate my personality?
48. Do u ever think of me off-line?
49. Mentally what’s my best feature? Physically?
50. When u first saw me what was the first thing that came to ur mind?
51. Do u wish we were closer?
52. State here your honest opinion of me
53. Would you sing car karaoke with me?
54. Would you give me a piggyback ride?
55. Would you come pick me up at three AM because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
56. Would you let me make you breakfast?
57. Would you help me with homework?
58. Would you tickle me to death?
59. Would you let me tickle you?
60. Would you stick up for me if I was being put down or made fun of?
61. Would you Instant message me?
62. Would you greet me in public?
63. Would you hang out with me?
64. Would you bring me around your friends?
65. Pick the ones that suits me the most: Am I... smart? cute? funny? cool? loveable? adorable? compassionate? annoying? great to be with? attractive? mean? odd?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 16:59:34 GMT

It's me again with this whiskey on my breath again
And I'm ashamed about the shape I'm in
And how bad I feel
Damn these tears
Damn this habit that I've had for years
I'm trying hard to make it disappear
I swear I will

So don't lose faith in me
I know I can win this battle, wait and see
Thanks to you I've got a reason to believe
I can be a stronger man
I know you need me to be a better dad
Baby, I need you to help me make it through
So I'm here talking to you
My angel

I watch you sleep
My life changes with every breath you breathe
And I want you to think the world of me
I wanna make you proud
No, it's not too late
To make a man out of this mess I've made
To put that bottle down and walk away
I will somehow

So don't lose faith in me
I know I can win this battle, wait and see
Thanks to you I've got a reason to believe
I can be a stronger man
I know you need me to be a better dad
Baby, I need you to help me make it through
So I'm here talking to you
My angel

Yeah, I love you, my angel

Its saturday and I'm bored out of my mind. What else is new? Allen's birthday is tomorrow, So I've got to go shopping. Fun, Fun, Fun. It SNOWED! Not much, but even now there is still some snow on the ground. Totally awesome, first snow of the year. I'm a lot better than I was this time last week, thats for sure. Not much to day for today.

Happy Birthday, Allen. I love you!